It's not ALL bad...

You know what's funny? Not in a ha-ha type of way, either. I have re-read all of my past posts, and as I'm reading them, I'm thinking to myself "Who IS this person? Does she ever do anything that is FUN?" I think I am portraying myself in a bit of a negative light here - it's just all BAD stuff. Yet, if someone were to ask me if I'm a happy person, the answer would be that without a doubt, I am a very happy person.

I have a wonderful husband, two great kids, a home that I never want to leave, and family members that I love and enjoy spending time with. We have a large circle of friends, and we entertain often. Yet, over the past week, I have only talked about the negative things that have happened to my sons. Well, let me rephrase that - I have only talked about the struggles that have been endured while trying to raise our sons. There are many positives to my children, as well. The A-man has an awesome sense of humour, and S is really starting to develop his humour. Both boys are extremely loving and caring. I am told "I love you" on a daily basis, and we enjoy spending time together. When they were younger we had to be selective on what we did with them, but as they have gotten older, both hubby and I have learned that we have many things in common with our sons. My sincere hope is that this continues, and once they reach adulthood, I will be able to look at them and consider them to be well-rounded, well-adjusted men.

I think that is what I want to get out of writing this blog. To record the struggles both boys have had to face - and will face in the years to come - and to allow myself to see that although it was hard, it was totally worth it. THEY were totally worth it. I have always loved them with my whole heart, but there were many days that I didn't like them much. I guess most moms can say that, though - struggles like ours, or not. As time passes, we have been able to see so many improvements with both of them, and I guess the pitfalls just make the triumphs that much sweeter. I would never change anything about either of my sons. They are perfect just the way they are.

Self-esteem. That's the key to a good life, isn't it? I know we all struggle with it, and I have always had a low opinion of myself. I am full of self-doubt all of the time - does that surprise you? It's true. Horrible self-esteem issues. Yet, when it comes to my children, I am a big ole momma lion. I will roar, and fight for all I am worth. However, I rarely fight for myself.
My biggest desire for my sons is that they have a strong sense of self-worth and self-understanding. Some days they are very down on themselves, and although I know I can be very hard on them, I am learning how to work around their "disabilities" and still instill this self-worth and higher self-esteem. I don't want them to become so big headed they think they should just be handed things simply because they are there, but the day-to-day struggles we face, I guess they will simply help shape who they will become.

The A-man got his schedule for his first term at high school yesterday. He was assigned his locker, and then we wandered the school, trying to find where all of his classes were going to be. I know he is nervous. I'm nervous for him. But, there will be alot of kids in the same boat, so the first week will be full of the little "minor niners" that have no idea where they are supposed to be, or what the protocol is in the cafeteria. And he hasn't expressed any concern - which is a pretty big step for him. I guess we still have a number of days to get through, though.
S is not looking forward to going back to school, but I can pretty much guarantee that come Monday, he will be totally psyched about getting his backpack and other items ready for Tuesday morning. The first day of school is always like going to bed on Christmas Eve - it's just so new, and exciting. He will remind me to take his picture in the morning...and will pack an apple for the teacher. He's just so innocent sometimes. No wonder I love him so much.

Anyway, that is all for now. Nothing negative for this go around. Part of me is hopeful that the remainder of my blog notes will only touch on good struggles - that the bad is truly behind us. But, there is still a wee bit of a doubting Thomas hiding in here too. I'm trying to squash that guy.