More on Son 1

My last post really upset me. More than I would have imagined. I know I lived through it, I know that I didn't really enjoy those times with my kids, but looking back on it, and trying to simply state what I remember, it hurt. I think the things that hurt me the most now are the negative comments and critisisms I would receive - and then hold on to, take to heart...that sort of thing.

I remember being pregnant with the A-man and just sitting and having a total crying fit one day because I was so nervous about becoming a mom, and I just wanted to be the BEST mom for my unborn child, and I didn't know if I would be able to do it. And then I am given this beautiful boy, and I want to do SO well - for him - and to hear people that my baby is this, that and the other - well, if you are a parent, I would think you would understand...

Anyway, more on the A-man's history. While he was experiencing these difficulties at school, we were also facing difficulties on the homefront. He would refuse to do homework, he wouldn't cooperate with coaches, he would have total melt downs (in public) when things didn't go his way. So, whenever the school would suggest a parenting course, or strategy, I was very quick to try it. Anything that would help me learn to become a better parent - because children will do well if they can, right, and if they have a well-structed homelife, well, obviously they will be better structured children, right?

I had charts, stickers, incentive programs, reward systems - everything. I would read any book that seemed to fall within my belief system, that may offer tips and suggestions on what we could do to become better parents, thereby begin to raise a better child.

Grades Three to Five pretty much brought about the same behaviours/reactions at school as the early years had done. At the suggestion of the school principal and school councillor we started the A-man in to a number of courses through a family agency. Anger management, working together type courses with other kids, behaviour management courses. I became the parent that would drive to the city (about half an hour away) twice a week to either attend parenting courses, or to have my children attend similar type things. Some strategies would work - for a while - and then things would revert. Well, obviously I wasn't being consistent with the punishment/rewards system, I was told. And the self doubt continued to grow.

The end of Grade 5 remains significant to me, however. Somewhere around February of that school year, the A-man's teacher suddenly went to teaching half time - on Mondays and Wednesdays - and another teacher was brought in for the other days. Mr. S was great, and, interestingly enough, the first male teacher the A-man had ever had. Oh, he did still face many behaviour issues with my guy, but I will never forget the last day of school. I always come in to school on the last day to pick the boys up, to say good-bye to the teachers, etc. That year the A-man wanted to give his teacher different types of gourmet beers as an end of year gift. I went out and bought a few cans, and brought the gift in to the school. The A-man gave the gift to his teacher, and then went off to do whatever a boy in Grade 5 does on the last day of school. The teacher came over to me to thank me for the gift, and to congratulate me on such a great kid! I was stunned. I think I even clarified that the teacher knew which child was mine. He told me that, yes, he knew who my son was, and although he did have some issues with the A-man, he said he recognized that he was a great kid, with an amazing wit and intelligence, and he thought that we were obviously doing a great job with raising our son. Never, in seven years of school, had any teacher ever had anything positive to say about him. Although I have never seen that teacher again, he will forever remain a hero in my heart.

Grade 6 was fine. He had a teacher that was able to embrace the uniqueness that is the A-man. She saw his intelligence, she recognized his enhanced and highly mature sense of humour. His school grades stayed within the norm for him, and although he would have issues in the school yard, and on the school bus, the actual year with the teacher was great.

Grade 7. What a freaking nightmare that year was. It just went from bad to worse. Started out having 2 different teachers - one on A days, and one of B days. So, if the B day teacher had a problem with him on a Thursday, she would phone and leave a message at the end of the day on a Thursday night, but I wasn't able to actually speak to her again until Tuesday - when she was back in the school. It was one of the worst teaching situations I had ever encountered. We had a new principal that year, too. I phoned her and told her that I was greatly annoyed with the lack of structure within the classroom - especially in such a pinnacle year. She was able to have the situation adjusted by the end of the first term, and the class received a brand-spanking-new-fresh-right-out-of-school teacher. Yeah, that wasn't the best type of teacher to bring in to the classroom that had consistently - since the school opened and they were in grade 2 - drove teachers over the edge. This class is 80% male, all very active, and just a bit of a crazy group.
Suddenly the A-man's teacher is phoning me on a regular basis to complain about him. "He is doing this, he does that... He is rude..." Oh eah, it was great. Finally, sometime around April, she phoned to tell me that she didn't think he would be able to go on the end of year trip if either hubby or I didn't go. We decided (for a number of reasons) that he simply wasn't showing an interest in improving matters, and thereby would not go on the trip. Then, suddenly, he had a stellar month. No problems on the bus, in the school yard, or in the classroom. I phoned the principal and asked that she revisit the ruling about a parent having to attend the 3 day trip, and she over-rode the classroom teacher and said he could go.

One day at work, I get a phone call from the teacher. I was at work, and didn't want others in the office to hear me, so I asked her to call me back on my cell in about 5 minutes. She did so. As she was going on, and on, AND ON, about the trials and tribulations about the A-man, I finally asked her, point blank, "So, what do you suggest I do?" She stopped short, and said "Mrs. Mom, I don't understand why you are getting so defensive." I told her that I wasn't getting defensive, and I apologized if she thought I was, but I let her know that if she is going to phone me - as a professional - and tell me a barage of things about my son (that I already knew, accepted, and lived with for years) - I figured she was phoning with either some suggestions of how to improve the situtation, or with a suggestion as to what sort of course, or testing, or SOMETHING we could do/take him to, to help improve things. That was not the case. She was, basically, just calling to complain.

I told her that I was very much aware of what the A-man was like, and if she was simply calling to tell me things I already knew, I didn't really need to be interupted at work. But if she was calling with suggestions or solutions, I would be more than happy to embrace any suggestions made. She left it with me that she would talk to the principal about options, and would call me back. I never heard from her again. Never.

Now, during this time, the A-man started to exhibit some new concerning problems. I took him to the doctors, just to rule out medical issues. The doctor suggested we screen him for ADHD by sending a report in for the teacher to complete. I told our (new) doctor that the A-man had seen a pediatrician when he was in Grade 1 and that had been ruled out. He felt it was something to consider, so I took the form in to the school. The teacher amazed me with the way she filled out the form. All the stuff she called to complain about, she indicated on the form that he did not exhibit these behaviours. I told her, point blank, that I was surprised about her summary of the A-man, and she said "I don't believe he has ADHD, I believe he just has behavioural problems" Ummm...WHAT?!?!?!

Anyway, after seeing the A-man, and reviewing the information we provided, plus considering the new head-shake thing he was doing, our doctor decided to refer us to a pediatrician because he thought other medical things should be considered. We go in to the see the specialist, he reviews some things, asks a bunch of questions, and then tells me that he thinks the A-man is exhibiting symptoms of Tourette Sydrome (TS), and he wants him to go to Toronto Western's clinic for follow up tests. I suddenly had to become very knowledable on a disorder.

I informed the teachers at school of this recent development, and provided them with all sorts of literature about TS, and to simply let them be aware for when the end of year trip began. His classroom teacher sat and rolled her eyes as I summed up what they were looking for, but the other 2 teachers listened, heard me, even asked questions.

The end of year trip went well for the A-man. He had no problems, he got along with everyone, and he was not in any trouble at all for the 3 days. The rest of the year went along somewhat status quo. We got the report cards on the very last day of school, and I discover he has 3 - yes, three - failing grades on his report card. I had not been advised of this - and I know I should have been. Apparently he had failed to hand in major assignments, but I had not been advised of this, either. He did the assignments - every single one. He just didn't turn them in. But had she phoned to let me know they weren't turned in, I would have made sure he did so. I was PISSED off. At him, for sure, but also the both the principal and the teacher for dropping this on me without having any way of having recourse or a chance for disscussion.

After a barage of testing over the summer - I'm talking TONS of testing - it was determined that the A-man does have Tourettes, plus ADHD and Rage. He began taking Concerta for the ADHD, but the neurologist didn't feel the Rage was severe enough to justify the negative side effects, and set us up on a new parenting strategy - one that would empower both us, and the A-man.

Grade 8 saw a whole other kid. Sure, he suddenly developed a stutter, and would shake his head around, and make weird throat noise things, but he was suddenly calm, well behaved, polite. Just amazing. His teacher - at the end of the school year - told me she loved having him in the class, and she would take a classroom of the A-man anyday. It was great. He was very excited to graduate from grade 8, and I was so happy that he finally had a good year in that school. And now, he is about to begin highschool.