Friday, August 31, 2007

And finally, the end of Grade 6...

Okay, let's see....

So, S had his re-entry meeting...that Tuesday night, the A-man informed me that he was going to try and talk to Ms. B about his 'forever' bus suspension. He said he thought the punishment was "WAY too big for what he did." I told him that I was not going to persue that on his behalf - if he wanted to do so, fine. But, he was acting up on the bus, so soon after being OFF the bus, and if he was willing to set up a meeting with the principal, he had my well-wishes, and I would offer any assistance to him for 'practise', etc. He went to the office on the Wednesday, but, as you already know, she wasn't there. He did the same on Thursday, and that is when he found out about Mr. O. When he came home that night, he was resigned that he would be off the bus for the duration of Ms. B's absence. I didn't go any further at this point with him.

Things went okay for S's few days. There was a little blip on the radar on his first day back when another student had approached the A-man to warn him to tell his brother to watch his back - because the other boys were "going to get him for getting them suspended." That was addressed.

Over the weekend, the A-man asked me I thought he should talk to Mr. O about the bus suspension. I told him that it couldn't hurt - worst case senerio, Mr. O would defer the decision to when Ms. B returned. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, I told him. So, on the Monday, he set up an appointment to talk with the principal. He went back to the office at his appointed time, and pled his case. Mr. O listened, took notes and asked some questions. One that he asked that surprised me what "Are you here because your Mom told you to do this, or because you wanted to do this?" The A-man answered that it was sort of both - he had wanted to talk with Ms. B, and I told him that he could talk to Mr. O. Anyway, Mr. O said he would have to review the facts, and talk to the bus driver, and he said he would let the A-man know within a couple of days. Meanwhile, I had been having conversations with Mr. O about the possibility of specialized transportation for S. Neither of the boys knew this at the time. On Tuesday, I got a phone call from Mr. O asking me to meet with him, the A-man and the bus driver that afternoon. He also told me that as of that Friday, S would be taken to and from school on a mini-van with only two other students. The end result was that the A-man was allowed back on the bus effective Thursday. The A-man surprised me at the meeting by also pleading that S be allowed back on the bus, also. Since I knew S had been taken care of, I told the A-man not to worry about S right now - he was looked after. What a great brother, huh?

Toward the end of the second week with the temporary EA, I got a phone call from Mr. O around lunch time telling me that S had not had a good morning, and suggested I come to take him home for the rest of the day. I went to the school (I think my car is on auto pilot for that route, now...) to find out what exactly had transpired. S had taken off - again - and although I had told him that he was NOT allowed to leave the school anymore, I guess I hadn't been specific enough in my directions. No, he didn't leave the school, but he did run and hide, and when a teacher came across his hiding place, he would run again. In his mind, he felt justified in doing what he had done, and he had not broken my instructions. He did not leave the school. I was quick to praise him for not leaving the school, and then I sat down and basically ignored the EA and the principal in the room, and I started a dialogue with my son. When S is in this frame of mind, it's almost like peeling back layers of an onion to get down to what you really need to know. With him, things are rarely as they appear. So, after a very long and windy conversation, it was determined that the main incident that lead to the blow up had occurred when his EA was out of the room (again under radar - these boys are sneaky), and again, involved LB and Tay. Little brats. By the time we had finished talking, about 45 minutes had passed, and knowing that was being heard - and understood - he was back to his normal frame of mind. At this point, I welcomed the EA and the principal in to the conversation. Mr. O felt that S would be allowed to stay at the school, and the EA felt that since she was still so new to S, there wasn't the level of trust required, and she also didn't know how to read the warning signs that were so apparent when looking back. (Love hindsight...)

Mr. O sent S back to class, and then walked me out. We had a bit of a conversation, and he told me that he thought I dealt with S in a remarkable way, and he was very impressed with the way that I conducted myself. Suddenly tears welled up in my eyes, and I told him that unfortunately, I had had many years of practise. He told me to not give up hope, and that things would improve. I hoped he knew what he was talking about.

That Thursday was to be S's last day with his EA, and that was the day I was informed that he had been granted a half-day EA for the remainder of the school year. She would begin on the Monday afternoon - the time of day that tended to be the problem time for him. What a relief that was, but how sad is that? They recognized that the bully issue was so bad that they know he needs an adult with him full time, and yet the bully isn't dealt with? So, EA is now in place - at least until the end of the year.

Now, lets move back for a moment. At the IPRC review meeting, I was adamant that S's exceptionally be changed to "multiple" to reflect his anxiety disorder - therefore behaviour AND LD's were to be recognized. I was told at that time that they couldn't do that because they didn't have a 'report from a doctor' saying he HAD this disorder. NO WHERE does it say you must have a formal report to reach this decision, was my argument, but they wouldn't budge. A meeting was set up with various board members and S's psychiatrist. You know why they don't want to use that 'behaviour' label? See, when it is on a child's IPRC, that is a legal document, thereby putting the onus on the school to prove that they have provided all services available to the child. If they don't have that exceptionality listed, they are not legally obligated.

So, just before the whole "S now has an EA" announcement, a large group of us traipse in to see the doctor. Me, S, Mr. O, the spec ed teacher, the school councillor, and the board psychiatrist. Of course, S was sent to the waiting room after a few short minutes in with the doctor. The doctor and I really wanted to impress upon the school that there was bully problem, but the councillor just didn't seem to want to hear that. She kept going on about how S does this, and this, and this.... at one point I interrupted her and said, "And you have just described ADHD to a tee." The doctor agreed with me. She is the freaking COUNCILLER for the school board, and she doesn't understand ADHD? (Again, Jori is sure she is dealing with idiots...)

I left the meeting feeling very frustrated, and sure that (again) we were going to get no where. That is when I found out about the EA. So, I guess the meeting did make some impression on a couple of those in attendance. I also found out that Mr. O wasn't a retired principal -quite the opposite. He actually worked in the special education office within the board. He was the board specialist for a number of years, and currently works with our former principal in the board office on all special educational needs. They took a current board 'specialist' from his active position to be the fill in principal at our school! Hmmm.... (And still, I have my suspicions...)

The doctor put together a report outlining that S does suffer from an anxiety disorder, and also something he called (I think) cinguliate gyrus. S gets 'stuck' in a single thought pattern, and almost needs a mental 'nudge' to get out of it. His recommendation was that S have a full time EA with experience and background in the issues that S faces. At the end of the school year, I was told that the board psychiatrist had agreed to accept S's exceptionality as 'multiple' and his anxiety disorder would be recognized. (Yes! goes the mental fist.)

After the end of the school year, I was advised by Ms. B (yes, she did come back to the school...) that S had been granted a full time EA effective September. I am so relieved. The special ed teacher has told me that LB and Tay will not be in S's class. Again, relief. The last day of school these two boys had cornered S in the washroom - one watched the door, while the other beat him up. There were marks - I took pictures - and I did inform the principal and the superintendent via email of this event. I told them that I would not contact the police about this particular event, but I would keep the pictures, and should such a thing happen again, I would not hesitate to ensure that there would be legal action taken. I did not hear back from anyone with respect to that. Not a surprise there.

And that's my story up to date. All my dirty laundry, hanging out here on blog spot for just anyone to read. S will go back to school on Tuesday in the mini-van, and will meet his EA. He is hoping he has a male EA so that he doesn't have to go in to the washroom alone. (How sad is that?) His doctor has a suspicion that S is also suffering from a "Non-verbal learning disorder" and he has been deemed appropriate for a fMRI at the children's hospital in London. We are waiting for the date of that appointment. Apparently a NLD would explain why S has such poor social skills - it would mean that he simply is not able to read social cues. I've been reading about it, and this describes S almost 100%.

I am curious to know if anyone is reading this blog. If you have been reading along, please feel free to comment on any of these. I do ask that you be kind, however. It is very emotional - these are my babies. And, problems or not, I love them with my whole heart and soul. This momma lion is prepared to roar again...

Grade 6 - the saga continues..

After the hell that we had gone through at the end of Grade 5, we were really looking forward to the summer. S had a few weeks at a day camp, and had a lot of fun doing so. He never had any problems with any of the other kids, he never got in to fights, or lost his temper. He just had fun. Isn't that strange?


Early in the summer, I received a telephone call from a physio-therapist to do an assessment on S. When he received his formal 'placement' at the end of Grade 4, a requisition form had been sent in to further assess his abilities, and his name had finally come to the top of the pile. So, the PT came to our house a few times to do further assessments with S. At the end of the testing, she informed us that she would be recommending that S receive assistive devices (laptop and specialized software) from the school. She was going to deem these essential to his learning, thereby making it something the board would provide.


The beginning of the school year was interesting - our new principal was off for 2 months. So, we had an acting principal. She was a lovely lady, a retired principal that had agreed to the 60 day stint. The thing I liked about her - she had a lot of experience in the special educational field, so when we held S's meeting for his IEP, and the PT recommended the various items, this principal had no qualms about signing off on them. My spirits were raised - to a degree. Having the authorization for a laptop and actually GETTING the laptop can be a very long wait - up to an 8 month wait, I was later told.


Funny enough, for the 2 months that we had the acting principal, I received NOT ONE SINGLE PHONE CALL with respect to either boy. But, three days after Ms. B returned, I get a call about an incident in the classroom. S had threatened another student. Apparently. So, off I go to the school (thank heavens I have an very understanding boss) to determine if I have to take him home or not. After much conversation with S, and the principal, it was decided he could stay at school. The classroom teacher, however, was not wanting him to come back to the class. She had a concern about S having held scissors to another boys' throat. WHAT?!?! This was news that had not been disclosed earlier. Upon my insistence, the other boy was questioned further by both teacher and principal, and it was determined that he had 'made up' the story about the scissors because he was embarrassed about getting upset at S. So that makes it okay. Well, in our school it does, because the other boy was NOT reprimanded, did not apologize to S, nothing. He simply returned to the classroom. End of discussion - he was embarrassed enough, why make it worse. (Oh, the thoughts running through my head...)


So, onward the school year went. A few problems on the bus every now and then...probably a couple of bus suspensions. I have a binder full of these details - moving up to a two inch one now. The next big event happened in April, I guess. The A-man and S had a fight on the school bus one afternoon, and both of them received a one-week bus suspension. I thought it was a bit extreme considering this was the FIRST problem A-man had on the bus this year, but I did agree that they were just being idiots, and needed to suffer these consequences. I am not the type of mother that thinks her children can do no wrong, and will follow through when they mess up. So, rather than rearrange MY schedule to fit their errors, I made arrangements for the boys to be 'walkers' for the week - they walked to MIL's house, which is about 10 blocks from the school. (Hey, ya can't behave on the privilege that is the school bus, ya walk!) They received their bus privileges back on a Thursday.

On the next Tuesday, I get a phone call from a teacher at the school. Apparently he was acting principal for the day, and S had just had a major melt-down at the school...he went on, and on, and ON to tell me all the errors of S's ways. Now, one thing I have been remiss to mention - the school had implemented a "Safe Plan" for S after his big problem the year before - he had started to become a 'flight risk' as he would leave the school yard when upset. So, the safe plan had been devised to establish a plan of attack when/if he ran. The biggest thing in the plan was that S was NOT to be approached when/if he went outside. He was to be observed from a safe distance (in the school), and to be given the time to calm himself down. Of course, the ideal was that he not leave the school, but there were days that he just didn't keep that in his head - he just felt the need to 'escape'.

So, as I'm hearing the tale of what had transpired - again, the names LB and Tay were brought up more than once- the details that my sons had another incident on the bus the night before was suddenly mentioned. THEN I find out the the acting principal had gone outside to demand S come back in the school, and while doing so, S had become even more aggitated (as he is prone to do) and made some comments that apparently really upset the teacher. Hubby was able to go to the school to pick up S. We discussed the problem at length that evening, and discovered that this incident had started much earlier in the day, and again, LB and Tay had started to bug, and bug and bug. LB then threw a ball directly at S's head while he was 'out' and against the wall. For some strange reason, S took that to be an attack on himself, and retaliated. Imagine.

The next morning, a Wednesday, we had a bit of rough start to the morning, and I had dropped the boys off at school, rather than rush to catch the bus. At 9:30 or so, I get a phone call from Hubby. At 8:50 he had received a phone call from Ms. B telling him that he needed to come and get S immediately as he was suspended from school for a week, and both boys were off the bus for the remainder of the school year. Now, I know Ms. B was just arriving at the school when I dropped the boys off (about 8:45) so she had not had the time necessary to review all of the facts of the previous days' events, but had decided instantly that this must be his punishment. That seems fair, huh? When hubby arrived at the school, she told him that she was also going to suspend the other two boys for their involvement in the event. She had not even had time to have the formal suspension form completed - she said that would come home later. (??!!)

So, S is home - again - for another five days. Now, it just so happened that I had a pre-scheduled IPRC review meeting at the school that day. I was beside myself with fury that day. I also decided that further action was necessary on this. I pulled all stops that morning. I contacted the person I knew from the ADHD association to get some details on the new rulings within the Special Education Committees in our county, and to get the contact information for the lawyer that had talked about the problems with suspensions for children such as S. Apparently there were legal concerns about the 'suspension "laws"' as they were prejudiced to students with LD's, etc., and I wanted further clarification on the current legal rulings. I then formulated a request for review of the suspension - and faxed that request along with a summary of the days events to the superintendent's office. I would hand deliver the letter to the principal at the afternoon meeting. I also contacted a professional advocate that I had met at a conference to ask his advice - and to hire him if I needed to. (Momma lion - BIG roar.) We had a very long conversation, and he was nice enough to provide his services probono.

I arrived at the IPRC meeting, and I had prepared myself to NOT rehash the events of the previous day, and to stick to the issue at hand. The IPRC. The meeting started, and everyone was very good to stick to the agenda, but the classroom teacher did slip up and start to discuss the events of the previous day. No one stopped her, and she continued for a while, and I interrupted her, told her that I felt that issue was far to raw and fresh, and asked that we get back on task. My ears were burning. Suddenly the principal was all "Yes, we are not here to discuss yesterday." grrrr.... So, the meeting concluded, and I was handed the formal suspension letter. I hand the principal the request for review. She read it, and said, "Wow. That was fast." I was very deadpan when I answered, "I don't fool around." As we were leaving the office, I inquired about the other two boys' having received a suspension and she told me that they had not yet been suspended as she had to contact the superintendent to determine the best course of action. That was total BS - and I knew that - because the principal has the ultimate decision on who is suspended, and for what length of time. The superintendent does not need to be involved in that. I let it slide.

While in the meeting, the special ed teacher asked me about Stephen's state of mind - was he worried or concerned about returning to school? I said I didn't really know because when we had talked about it last night, we didn't know he was suspended, so the idea of 'returning' to school was not an issue . That night I asked S what he thought would happen when he returned to school, and he told me, "I'm dead." He then when on to explain that LB and Tay were going to 'kill' him if they got in trouble. Yeah, let's make a child with an anxiety disorder already more anxious.

The next morning I went in to the school to let the special ed teacher know what Stephen had said. The principal was away for this day (a Thursday) and the following day. (She is hardly ever in the school, it seems.) I also let the Special Ed teacher know that I had contacted a lawyer to determine if all that was happening in our school was even legal, given the diagnosis that had been given to S. She asked me if that meant I was planning to sue the school? I told her no, that I just wanted to make sure that no Ontario Human Rights laws were not being broken. I also told her that I thought they might be. We had a good conversation - that is all I am going to say about that.

That afternoon I emailed the Special Ed teacher a letter expressing my concern about the safety of S in the school. The problems regarding bullying had continued to escalate through out the school year, and now S was starting to fear for his safety. It was a very well written, well thought out letter, if I do say so myself. I explained how S was involved in extra-curricular activites, and never experienced the problems he encounters at school, that at home we never have these outbursts, etc. - the problems were ONLY occurring at the school. I was also contacted by the lawyer and advised that although we would not qualify for legal aide (I didn't realize he was a legal aide lawyer) he did take "precident-setting cases" pro bono, and would hubby and I be able to come to his office next Tuesday to discuss the case. We had a case?

On Friday morning, I went in to the school to pick up some school work for S, and to talk to the A-man's teacher about something. I also wanted some clarification on something LB indicated S had said. I was very leary about what any of the kids said since the whole scissor incident in the Fall. While in the office, low and behold, little LB comes walking into the office to do his 'reading' for the morning announcements. The biggest irony was that he was doing a reading about "not causing harm to your fellow man." I lost it. I very quickly left the school, cried all the way to work, and then I fired off a very ANGRY email to the special ed teacher. Neither of these boys had been suspended, or reprimanded in any way shape or form, and I realized that NOTHING was going to be done to them. Poor woman - I'm sure she was hating me by now.

Friday evening, around 5:30, there had been a message on my machine at home from the superintendent. She wanted to discuss my request for review, and would call me at the office on Monday. Prior to receiving that phone call, I had contacted our trustee to inquire about the legal ramificatios of suspending a special education child from the buses. I had been told that was not legal, and I wanted to clarify that. Now the trustee was aware of the CRAP we were going through.

Monday brought some interesting events. I had a very long conversation with the superintendent. I rehashed the events of the previous year - she had NOT been made aware of any of that event by either the principal or her secretary - and I explained the problems of the bullying S had been encountering. That afternoon, around 4, I received a phone call from Ms. B telling me that S's suspension had been lessened, and he could return to school the next day. Wow - one day less. He got to return on Tuesday rather than Wednesday. However, there was good news - the superintendent felt that S qualified for some special 'top kid' funding, and he would receive a temporary EA for 2 weeks. This was to assist with his re-entry to the school. I asked if that meant the suspension was going to be removed from his OSR, and the principal seemed surprised that I would expect that. I called the supers office to thank her for her involvement, and to ask if the suspension was going to be removed. I wasn't able to speak with the super, but was advised that it had been decided that the suspension would be removed at the end of the school year if S was successful within the remaining two months.

Tuesday - re-entry meeting. S was advised by the principal that he did not need to worry about LB or Tay for that day - they were not at school. (Jori mentally raised a fist in the air with a shout of "YES!") He was also told that the next day he would meet Mrs. T - his temporary EA. The next day, we met Mrs. T - and Ms. B was not in the office. (Shocking) The next day, Thursday, a letter comes home introducing Mr. O as our 'temporary principal' as Ms. B was going to be away "for about a month". Hmmm...what was that all about? I had (and still have) my suspicions.

I will have to sign off now. There is a bit more to come, but most of it is good from now on in. I really liked Mr. O, for the record.

It's not ALL bad...

You know what's funny? Not in a ha-ha type of way, either. I have re-read all of my past posts, and as I'm reading them, I'm thinking to myself "Who IS this person? Does she ever do anything that is FUN?" I think I am portraying myself in a bit of a negative light here - it's just all BAD stuff. Yet, if someone were to ask me if I'm a happy person, the answer would be that without a doubt, I am a very happy person.

I have a wonderful husband, two great kids, a home that I never want to leave, and family members that I love and enjoy spending time with. We have a large circle of friends, and we entertain often. Yet, over the past week, I have only talked about the negative things that have happened to my sons. Well, let me rephrase that - I have only talked about the struggles that have been endured while trying to raise our sons. There are many positives to my children, as well. The A-man has an awesome sense of humour, and S is really starting to develop his humour. Both boys are extremely loving and caring. I am told "I love you" on a daily basis, and we enjoy spending time together. When they were younger we had to be selective on what we did with them, but as they have gotten older, both hubby and I have learned that we have many things in common with our sons. My sincere hope is that this continues, and once they reach adulthood, I will be able to look at them and consider them to be well-rounded, well-adjusted men.

I think that is what I want to get out of writing this blog. To record the struggles both boys have had to face - and will face in the years to come - and to allow myself to see that although it was hard, it was totally worth it. THEY were totally worth it. I have always loved them with my whole heart, but there were many days that I didn't like them much. I guess most moms can say that, though - struggles like ours, or not. As time passes, we have been able to see so many improvements with both of them, and I guess the pitfalls just make the triumphs that much sweeter. I would never change anything about either of my sons. They are perfect just the way they are.

Self-esteem. That's the key to a good life, isn't it? I know we all struggle with it, and I have always had a low opinion of myself. I am full of self-doubt all of the time - does that surprise you? It's true. Horrible self-esteem issues. Yet, when it comes to my children, I am a big ole momma lion. I will roar, and fight for all I am worth. However, I rarely fight for myself.
My biggest desire for my sons is that they have a strong sense of self-worth and self-understanding. Some days they are very down on themselves, and although I know I can be very hard on them, I am learning how to work around their "disabilities" and still instill this self-worth and higher self-esteem. I don't want them to become so big headed they think they should just be handed things simply because they are there, but the day-to-day struggles we face, I guess they will simply help shape who they will become.

The A-man got his schedule for his first term at high school yesterday. He was assigned his locker, and then we wandered the school, trying to find where all of his classes were going to be. I know he is nervous. I'm nervous for him. But, there will be alot of kids in the same boat, so the first week will be full of the little "minor niners" that have no idea where they are supposed to be, or what the protocol is in the cafeteria. And he hasn't expressed any concern - which is a pretty big step for him. I guess we still have a number of days to get through, though.
S is not looking forward to going back to school, but I can pretty much guarantee that come Monday, he will be totally psyched about getting his backpack and other items ready for Tuesday morning. The first day of school is always like going to bed on Christmas Eve - it's just so new, and exciting. He will remind me to take his picture in the morning...and will pack an apple for the teacher. He's just so innocent sometimes. No wonder I love him so much.

Anyway, that is all for now. Nothing negative for this go around. Part of me is hopeful that the remainder of my blog notes will only touch on good struggles - that the bad is truly behind us. But, there is still a wee bit of a doubting Thomas hiding in here too. I'm trying to squash that guy.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

I don't know why, but I am just feeling the need to get this section of the story over with. I am being very detailed with this, and I don't want to miss any points of what happened and when. It's almost like this will help to ease my mind or something...just get it out, and then be done. Either that, or it is because I gave myself until the school year begins again, and I know I won't be home after tomorrow afternoon.

Okay, so back to the story. The A-man was at Grandparents, and hubby and I started the ninety minute drive to xx hospital. We arrived there around 8 or 8:30, I would say. Maybe a bit earlier, but I'm pretty sure it was just after 8. Anyway, the emerg waiting room was packed. Once we were actually able to get a seat - we sat, and sat, and sat. S feel asleep with his head in my lap. Finally, at about 10:30 or so a youth worker person from the psychiatric unit came to see us. We had to wake S up so that she could talk to him. She asked a number of questions - and it was determined that this entire incident occurred because LB had been tormenting S out of the school, on the way to the bus, had then had pushed him in to the wall, called him names, etc. S's little feelings were very hurt when he got on the bus, and then another child on the bus started bugging him, and that is when he ran off the bus and tried to run in front of another one. The fact that S was sleeping when she first saw him deemed that he was not a "child in crisis", therefore they would not admit him. She explained to hubby and I that their pediatric psych unit only worked with children that were "in crisis" and once they were no longer in that state, they would be released. She told us that she could admit him, but she knew that in the morning the doctor would see him and simply release him. We were stunned. Sad as it was to admit, she told us that children in this state often do not receive help until they have actually caused self-harm. She said that it is a terrible cycle that tends to repeat more and more. Child in crisis, admitted, receives help, discharged, two weeks later... back in crisis, and admitted again. Talk about feeling helpless. So we went home. I guess we got back home some time around 1am.

In the morning I decided I was NOT going to be helpless - nor was my son. My first call was to the CAS person that had established our case file. I told her the results of our visits, provided a brief family history, etc., and she told me that she and her supervisor felt the police officer had jumped the gun a little bit in contacting them. She said that it was obvious from speaking with me that I was a very strong advocate for S, and as far as they were concerned there would be no need for any follow up from CAS. I was relieved, to say the least. I explained that the police officer felt S would receive help faster through their agency, and she told me, point blank "There are no services for children this age." However, that said, she did provide me with the telephone number of a doctor that wasn't too far from us, that specialized in children and adolecents. My next call was to this doctor's office. I was able to speak to the receiptionist. I told her about the incident, and what that I was hoping to self-refer my son, etc., etc. She took our information, told me she would talk to the doctor, and would be in touch. My next phone call was to the school to ask that they inform the A-man that we were home, S was safe, and he was to take the bus home, as he would normally. (I knew he would be very worried about his brother. I called around 10 am, but the message was not passed on to him until 3:20 pm.)

Next I called the police officer to let her know the details of the evening, and to let her know what CAS had determined. In a way I wanted to say "I told you so..." but what was the point? I'm pretty sure she figured it out. Next I asked how I could obtain a copy of the police report, and for information about the volunteer officer that was in the room when Ms. B lost it on poor wee S.

My next call was to the superintendent of the school. I was not able to speak with her directly, but I did have quite the conversation with her secretary about the lack of compassion and understanding that was running our fine school. She said she would bring these details to the attention of the superintendent.

Next, I called S's play therapist to fill her in on the previous day's events. We set up a couple of appointments for during the 5 days he would be out of school. Although I felt the suspension was ridiculous, she and I both felt that he was in a very fragile state, and staying home was probably the best thing for him at that time.

Eventually I had to face going in to work, and I did so. I am still not sure how I was able to put on my work face, and still get through the days. I know that the month of May was totally lost to me - I have very few memories that didn't involve this situation.

When I was home again, I started to prepare a letter to Ms. B to let her know my feeling on the entire event. I was very upset that LB was not going to be dealt with for his role in the entire incident, and I demanded that she apologize to S for her very inappropriate comments. When I gave her the letter, we exchanged some words, I was very upset (obviously) but she told me, point blank, that she would not apologize to S, that she meant what she said - "He does need to grow up" - and she actually appeared hurt that I would come in making such demands when she had done nothing but work with me for the entire school year. That did it for me. I was able to compose myself, and get back to a somewhat resonable state of mind, but any form of respect I had for that woman was shattered in to a million pieces. There is zero chance of that ever being repaired.

So, S completed his five days at home. He had a couple sessions of therapy in the home, and we could see his state of mind starting to go back to normal. As the time drew closer, he was really nervous about going back to school. He figured no one would like him anymore, and no one would be nice to him. I attended his re-entry meeting with Ms. B. Again, it was very hard to sit and be pleasant when I was so upset with her actions during the entire incident.

A few days later, I received a phone call from the school board psyciatrist to see if she could offer any services, or to suggest services for us to persue. The principal had not contacted her about the incident - which is what I first thought - the superintendent's secretary had told her about my phone call and felt that perhaps we were "a family in need" and could use information about what types of programs are out there. After a very lengthy conversation - well over an hour - she realized that if there was a course out there, I had already taken it, and if there was a waiting list to be on, I was on it. She knew the doctor that I had contacted, and told me she would contact him to see if S would be able to get in sooner - given the serverity of the incident. We were in to see the doctor by the beginning of June.

The doctor requested a meeting with a number of board members prior to the school year's end, but of course, the principal was unable to attend. The meeting was held about 2 weeks before the school year ended, with the hopes that his next year - Grade 6 - would be better. The doctor spent a great deal of time explaining what an anxiety disorder was, how ADHD affected learning, and how S's multiple LD's would affect him. They all seemed to take notes, take the recommendations to heart, and seemed willing to work with us for the next year. And, again, another school year saw zero results or improvements.

Grade 5 - the nightmare begins...

I held a great deal of hope that THIS would be the year that S was going to turn around. We had the knowledge of his learning disabilities, we knew why he wasn't doing as well at school as he should have...it could only improve.


The beginning of Grade 5 for S started with a big change in the school. A new principal. I went in to the school the week before school began to discuss the findings of the pysho-ed assessment, to provide some detailed information about my little man, and to start a plan of attack for the new school year. When I came home that day, I told hubby that she (I'll call her Ms. B) was going to be great. Ms. B came from a much larger district, and just gave me the impression that she appreciated an involved parent, and would do all she could to help him succeed. (Side note, as I retell this story, please remember that this was the year from hell from the A-man)


The beginning of school - S had the same teacher as the year before. I thought this was good because she knew him, she was aware of his learning problems, and she would be able to ensure some new strategies were in place for him. The start of the year - as always - was great. I love the honeymoon stage of the school year. Within a month, however, S started to complain about a few kids being really mean to him. It was always the same names. I would talk about it with him, and we would come up with ways to either avoid the situation, or how to improve upon things. The one black spot on the start of the school year was the IEP that came home in September.


I was LIVID with that document. I remember sitting down and writing a very long letter expressing my concerns about the fact that I had not been consulted about the preparation of the IEP, and at my concern about the training the teacher that had prepared it. (He had been in our school for years, but had never done Special Ed - I didn't think he was trained to do this job, and demanded to know his qualifications.) Within two days of sending that letter, I received a phone call from the Spec Ed Teacher asking me to come in for a meeting to discuss S's educational needs and to assist with formulating his IEP.


When I went to the meeting, I was all prepared to see that the recommendations from the psyco-ed were all addressed. With every single special need I mentioned, I was told by the Spec Ed teacher that either he didn't have time to do that, or that it simply couldn't be done. I was starting to learn the resources were slim to nil, and it appeared to me that our Spec Ed teacher wasn't will to provide what S was going to need. Finally, after a lengthy meeting, we were able to formulate a document that I was somewhat satisfied with, and hoped would be able to provide for my 10 year old.


The school year carried on. Sometime around Christmas I received a phone call from Ms. B telling me that S had a major incident in the classroom. The teacher had been forced to put the class in 'lockdown' because of his actions, and someone needed to come and take him home. My mother in law was able to get to the school the fastest, and when she got there, the class was all in library and S was with the principal in the classroom. He was still very aggitated, but went out quietly with MIL. When I talked about the incident with S, he told me that LB, and Tay had been really bugging him prior to his explosion, and although he had exhausted the resources he and I had come up with, they continued, and he just snapped. He had received a suspension for this behaviour. LB and Tay were the ones that had started picking on him earlier in the school year, and it was almost a daily occurence that I heard either one or both of these names over the dinner table.


The days limped in to the spring. The week before March Break, I receive yet another phone call, telling me that the class has (again) been put in lockdown, and I needed to come and get S from school. He was suspended (again) and this time the principal was ticked because she was getting phone calls from angry parents. They didn't like the fact that "one child was holding the entire class hostage." I didn't either. My feelings then (and still now) were that the teacher took very extreme action that could have been avoided. S weighed all of 60 pounds, and was about 4 feet tall - not exactly a strapping young man. Add in the fact that there was a male EA in the classroom, and I could not quite understand how something could get so out of hand so quickly. Had I been there, I would have simply taken S by the arm, and removed HIM from the classroom rather than forcing 27 children between two sets of doors for 20 minutes. Again, upon very LONG discussions with my son, I determined that the blow up was a directly result of non-stop bugging from both LB and Tay. I was really starting to dislike these boys.

S started to talk about killing himself around this point in time. At first I thought he was simply being dramatic, but after a number of re-occuring comments, I had started to seek out a doctor for help. There was a BIG waiting list (about a year, I was advised) so we joined the list. I utilized hubby's medical plan, and found a temporary therapist that would see S for about 5 sesssions.

While all of this was happening within the school, I was seeking additional outside support. Our family services agency had discharged us, stating they had done all they could for us - our worker commented that I had taken so many courses I could start TEACHING them. They felt that as a family unit we had done all we could, and felt the problems that were occurring now were problems within the school, and the school needed to address them. I had started attending monthly information sessions held by the LDAO (learning disabilities association of ontario) and the ADHD group in the city. These weren't the typical "oh my life is so hard..." gripe sessions - these were professionals coming in to discuss various subjects on a monthly basis. One of these meetings had a presenter come in that talked about a group session for kids like mine called "Fair Play." It was run by Social and Youth Workers, and would incorporate learning strategies through play with other kids. I enrolled S in to this program for the Spring session.

Shortly after the second 'lockdown' incident at the school, S started his "Fair Play" group sessions. He did amazing! He made a lot of friends very quickly - which he had been losing at school due to his recent outbursts - and he was a very kind, considerate and helpful to all of the other participants and leaders of the group. He was given the "Awesome Kid" award for something he had done on the first session. I started to have hope that he was just experiencing a blip on the radar at the school, and THIS boy, this S at Fair Play, was going to emerge at the school. Since his 'dying' comments continued, we started to have a 'play therapist' come in and work with Stephen once a week. It was expensive, but if it was going to help him work through some of his anxiety and issues, we felt it would be worth it.

On the first of May, S turned 11. On the third of May, I received a frantic phone call from the principal. Apparently S had tried to jump in front of a moving bus, and when she grabbed him to safety, he clawed at her, and took off from the school grounds. The police were trying to locate him, and I needed to get to the school immediately. When I arrived at the school, a very sullen S was sitting in the principal's office with Ms. B, one police officer, and one volunteer community police officer. He was being questioned by the police officer when I arrived. Was that even legal? Anyway, the police deemed this incident to be an attempted suicide, and contacted the Children's Aide Society. I tried to explain to the officer that I was very much aware of the seriousness of the situation, that his name was already on a waiting list for medical help, and tried to reiterate that contacting CAS was neither necessary, nor would it be helpful. The officer felt that by starting a file, we would receive support faster. I realized I would not be able to change her mind, and left her to make her phone call. While she was doing so, Ms. B and the volunteer officer were having a conversation with S. What happened next will be forever etched in my brain.

Ms. B went on a tangent with S, and told him (and yes, this is a direct quote that I will NEVER forget) "... (his) teacher was sick of his behaviour, (his) classmates were sick of his behaviour, (his) mother was sick of his behaviour, (SHE) was sick of his behaviour, and it was time for him to GROW UP AND BE A MAN!" To this, S replied "But I'm not a man" and she told him "Well, BE a man." After this comment, I was finally able to find my voice, and I interupted them. I have no idea what I said, I simply knew I needed to stop this insane conversation. Ms. B then informed S that he was suspended from school for a week, and from the bus "until she said so!" Yeah, that was really going to help.

The police officer returned from making her phone call to CAS and asked me if I was willing to take S to the hospital for observation. I said I was. She was glad I said that, because she told me later that had I said I wouldn't take him to the hospital, she would have been forced to arrest him, and take him to the hospital in the police car. This made me realize what stupid laws we sometimes have in this country. Anyway, the officer called ahead to the hospital to inform them we were coming, and then followed me to the hospital. I guess whoever she spoke to hadn't informed the Triage nurse of our arrival, and we sat in the Emerg waiting room for a while. S was fine at this point. He played video games, watched some TV, or just sat calmly and ate his sandwich. Both officers remained with us. Finally a doctor took S (and me and the officers) to a private room. The doctor talked to S, trying to assess his frame of mind. Needless to say, *I* was a mess at this point, but I was doing all I could to keep it together. I had called hubby at work, so he was very much aware of the situtation, and ready to go where needed whenever it was determined. I had made arrangements to have the A-man over at a neighbour's house.

After talking to S, the doctor felt he needed to be transfered to another facility where he would be able to receive the medical attention that was necessary. He asked me if I would be willing to take S to whatever hospital would take him, and I said I would. He commented that he thought I would - which I found to be a strange comment at the time, but apparently some parents will refuse to do this sort of thing. Anyway, I left the room to call hubby and inform him that we would be transfering S to another facility with doctors that could help him get through these thoughts. When I returned to the Emerg, the doctor stopped me to tell me that no hospital would take S. There was no room for him, apparently. So, he said, "I am going to release him to your care" but he recommended that we take S to XX hospital - about an hour and a half away - and basically go through the whole "emerg" proceedure again. He said they could refuse a transfer from another hospital, but they had to see him if we took him ourselves. I said we would do that. I returned to the room and told the officers that nothing futher was going to be done, that he was going to be released, and they did not believe me. When the doctor confirmed this, the police officer was amazed.

I called hubby - he had made arrangements to leave work - and we made arrangements to take the A-man to his Grandparents, and hubby and I were taking S to XX hospital. We had no idea what was going to happen next, or how long we would be at the hospital.

Okay - that is MORE than enough for now. My gut is killing me.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The story of S continues...Grade 4.

Okay, so this one is either going to send me spiralling in to a vast pit of despair, or help buoy me up so that I can face the challenges that are sure to come with the new school year. Guess I should just get started, and see where it takes me.

The summer between Grades 3 and 4 didn't see a large decline in the number of visits we made to the Family Services Agency. In fact, things started to worsen on the homefront, and we started to see a big decline in S's interactions with both myself and hubby. He would threaten to run away from home - which would involve running down the driveway, or across the field, or maybe to the neighbour's drive way. He started to get more aggessive when he was angry, as well. He was starting to throw things when he was angry, and on more than one occassion, hubby had to physically hold him to keep him from harming himself or others. Gotta love that "cross the arms in front of the body and just hold the wrists" trick. (But, a warning about that hold - they can flail the head back - turn your face to the left or right when maintaining this hold. Trust me - I learned the hard way.)

I started working in September of this year. It was my first full time job since the kids were born, and it took a bit of adjusting - for both myself and the boys. I had a hard time with the days that they became "latchkey kids" for about an hour, too. But, they would call upon getting home, etc.

As the visits to our councillor increased, so did her concern over S's (and the entire family's) well-being. She suggested alternate respite weekends. What a relief those weekends were. Starting in September, every other Saturday, we would drop S off at the Family Service house. He would remain there with about 5 other children roughly the same age as him, and we would come and get him again on Sunday afternoon. It was just, well, so NICE to not have that stressor in the house for even just 30 hours. And it was a lot of fun for him, as well. They did all kinds of things - like swimming at the public pool, visiting the fair, etc. And we got a chance to spend some one on one time with the A-man. He had chores he had to do while at the house, and things that he would REFUSE to do at home, were not a problem at the house. That just didn't seem right to me, but I guess that is just the way it goes.

After the first 'session' of eight weeks - and, yes, a brand NEW parenting course - it was decided that we would all benefit from an additional eight weeks. And, being the caring and kind parent that I am, I thought that was a great idea. I was told that I didn't need to re-take the parenting course, however. So, another 16 weeks of alternate weekends. As much as I loved him, I am not sad to admit how much I looked forward to those weekends.

On the school front, things progressed pretty much status quo. S was still having difficulty with doing his homework, and just couldn't seem to remember to bring home what he needed. His group of friends seemed to dwindle a bit that year, but he still talked about a number of kids, so I wasn't too worried about that. He would still have his problems on the bus, etc., but nothing really jumps out at me right now. His grades were not very good.

Family Service Agency thought we may benefit from additional help, so a worker started to come in to our home once a week. I guess the primary reason for this was to see how we interact with the boys within our home, to offer suggestions on how to remedy 'real life' situations as they occur, that sort of thing. The aggression continued to rise. I even got to demonstrate the "wrist hold" thingy one night while the worker was here. I was beside myself that something like that would happen when she was there, but she assured me that it was GOOD that she was able to witness it, and see first hand how I dealt with the situation. She was also at the house for the A-man, but to be honest, at least 85% of her time was focused on S.

Sometime in the spring, our two workers met with me to express some concern over what they were seeing with S, and recommended that we see the psychiatrist that worked with their agency. S saw her some time in March, I would say. Her initial findings showed some cause for concern, and she felt further testing should be pursured. I asked at the school about the pycho-educational assessment he was on the waiting list for (had been 2 years) but it looked like there was no end in sight for that waiting list. We discussed options, and decided he had been waiting too long, and bit the bullet and have him tested privately. Over $2,000 dollars for that private testing. I would have been LIVID if the school had not accepted the new psychiatrists finding.

After the very extensive testing - done in Toronto, three sessions, each two hours long - hubby and I received some very shocking news. S was formally diagnosed with multiple learning disorders (including - but not limited to - graphomotor, comprehension issues, and short working memory), plus severe ADHD and a generalized anxiety disorder. Yeah, no wonder he wasn't doing well at school. On the plus side, he has a high-average IQ. So he's not 'dumb' - he just can't learn in the traditional ways. On the negative side, he knows that he should 'get' it, but can't figure out why he doesn't. Oh, and he scored on the high-average level for verbal skills.

I took these finds back to the school and was advised that we needed to have him formally identified, and then implement an individualized education plan that would accomodate his learnging disabilities. But, of course, it was now the end of April, and nothing new (or effective)would be able to be implemented for the current school year. Of course.

So, we went through the formal IPRC process, and the 'committee' accepted the doctors findings, and S was formally identifed as learning disabled. I asked about the anxiety part - shouldn't that be listed under the behavioural aspect of the IPRC? but was told that I didn't want that to be his formal idenification. Hey, I was new to the whole process. What did I know? So, I agreed that we would just stick with one 'label' for the upcoming school year.

Wow - Grade 4 background took a while to share. Part of me blamed myself for being at work during some of this time. Of course the mother guilt has to come out somewhere. I was just gratefull that I was working so that we could 'swing' the cost of testing, etc. That would have been very hard to do otherwise.

I think I will end it here, and see if I can condense the Grade 5 crap, but, then again, there was a LOT of crap...



Coping - or would 'not coping' be a better title?

You know, tough as it has been to relive some of these past events, I have actually found this to be quite theraputic, too. Although I still experience twinges of self-doubt, looking back, I realize that I did pretty good to be able to keep things (somewhat) together.

Oh, there were days that I was SO angry. I would yell, and scream...and, sometimes hit. That is probably what bothers me the most - that I would get so angry at them that I would hit them. It's funny - in an ironic way - that I would be taking my kids to anger management classes, when years prior, when I had seeked out a class such as this for myself, I was told that they only offered these types of courses for men! I remember phoning Bear, and I was just beside myself with grief! "How can they only offer anger management courses to MEN that abuse their wives....don't they know that mothers get angry, too?!!??" So, my kids took anger management, and although mine wasn't called that, I took yet another parenting strategy course.

Mornings were always hard. Knowing we had to beat the clock, be out that door at a certain time to be able to catch the bus... I used to hate mornings. And afternoons...they were tough because that was when you had to begin the homework routine. I hated having to do homework... After dinner was usually not too bad. Both boys would help with kitchen clean up, and then go off to watch TV, but, bedtime could be tough, too. Transitional times, I learned, were the times that I had to give advance warning, and notice, as to what was going to be coming up, and when. We started to relate periods of time to half hour cartoons. "When this show is done, you will need to come upstairs and set the table for dinner" and, "It will take us about the same time as 2 shows to get to Grandma's..." - that sort of thing.

Huh - even before we had any formal diagnosis for either boy, it would appear we started to learn and adjust to the challenges that they provided. I still wonder if we adjusted as well as we could (or should) have, but given the extent of my own health, hubby's shift work, and then two very active, behaviourally challenged boys, well, it's a small wonder I didn't get admitted to a padded room, to be honest.

Even though neither of them seemed too keen on sports of any sort, I continually sought out activities for them to participate in. I mean, everything you read tells you that children in sports actually do better than their peers that do participate in sports, etc., etc., - so, they went to all sorts of things. T-ball..yeah, it was great fun watching them tackle their own team mates. Gymnatistics...why bother listening to what the teacher says when you can do all sorts of great things over here, and here, and on this.... Soccer, I thought, was going to be the death of me. Between the two of them, I would be on the soccer pitch three, sometimes 4 nights a week. One was on the field - either practise or a game - and the other was on the jungle gym, or over in that field, or fighting with that kid... oh yeah, it was GREAT. And the one that was supposed to be playing soccer - well, he would just puddle up and throw himself on the ground in tears because he a) didn't get the ball b) had the ball stolen from him, or c) had a goal scored on him (or just the team in general - it didn't matter.) We did skating for about 3 seasons, but like I said in an earlier post, they really did their own things then, too. Basketball... baseball...the only thing either of them did, willingly, and without any type of fighting with the others, was the Chess Team. Both loved (and still do) chess. The A-man is much better at it than S. Poor little S gets very frustrated when he loses to the A-man. He can handle losing to anyone but his brother. Oh, and in Grade 7, the A-man discovered that he liked downhill skiing.

So, yeah, organized team sports are just not the thing to do with my kids. I think they will do well with personal-challenge type games - like golf, or skiing. Something that relies on them, and only them - no other team mates required.

I have to get off to work now. Stupid job interfering with my personal life, yet again. My next post will be about Grades 4 to 6 for S. Those three years have been the longest of my life, and I'm glad they are done. I learned a LOT in those three years.

Son Number 2

I will never forget when I found out I was pregnant with S- son number 2. Hubby and I had JUST come to grips with the doctor's advice that I not have any more children - due to medical reasons - and that was very hard to accept. We had just finally done that, and found out that I was expecting. I figured there was a higher being that felt he needed to be born.

He was born 25 months after the A-man, and you could tell right from the get-go that he just seemed to know he was a second born. He would cry to be fed, but it was sort of a "Hey, yeah, I could eat...you know, when you have time...." (The A-man was always STARVING, whereas S was always willing to wait until I was available.) Even as he started to crawl, and then walk, you could just see him watching his older brother, trying to figure out how it was that things were done, and then, when he finally did attempt it, it was like he'd been doing it forever.

When he was 4, we enrolled S in to daycare a couple of times a week to prepare him for JK in the Spring. He did so well at daycare - lots of friends, loved the teachers, teachers loved him. It was so nice to have that sense of normalacy. He did show a very strong stubborn streak, but I felt that would be needed given the type of trouble his older brother would likely get him in to as he got older! There were days when the teacher would observe that he stayed angry with her for most of the day, but I knew he could be stubborn, and never really took that to be a bad thing.

JK was a good year for S. I was able to stop working during that year, and he and I would spend the days he was home doing certain household chores, but also sit outside flying kites, blowing bubbles, and making chalk figures on the driveway. I was so grateful to get to have that special one-on-one time with him. He struggled with printing in JK, and as I volunteered in the school, I was able to see how the teacher would encourage him (and others in his class) how to form letters in certain ways. Some days he just 'got it' and other days, it was like it was brand new to him again.

In SK, he showed great imagination when he told his teacher that I had a baby, and she was a girl, her name was Jessie...it was a very detailed story. The teacher and I shared some laughs over that - which was nice, considering she was the A-man's teacher the year before, and had nothing good to say about him. Nothing of any great concern jumps out at me from this year. He still stuggled with his getting his letter B and letter D correct, and was starting to have a bit of problems with reading, but again, nothing too major.

In Grade 1, S started to show some significant signs of problems in reading. He took "Reading Recovery" and with one-on-one teaching was able to jump quite a large number of reading levels in a very short time. We had some temper issues and concerns, plus lack of willingness to do homework, but compared to his older brother, he seemed a walk in the park. But, that said, he was a struggle for his teacher - who would often phone me to find out what new strategies I was using, so that she could try to incorporate them in to the classroom setting. The school councillor became involved later in this year.

By Grade 2, we started to see a little bit more of an aggressive little boy in S. The school councillor was called in, and a behavioural book was incorporated for each quarter of the day. He showed signs of progress with the chart that was being made by the councillor. However, that said, the principal felt he may benefit from a physo-educational assessment, and requested we sign the form to have him put on the waiting list for this. His aggression became more and more apparent, and he once got in trouble for throwing his backpack at the school bus driver - while she was driving the bus!

Grade 3. Did not care much for the teacher he had for the beginning of the year. She often complained that she found him to be a very rude child, and never had anything positive to say about him. He was starting to get in to more and more trouble on the bus, and in the school yard. His 'real' teacher came back from her leave around Christmas, and things improved for a while. I asked about the testing, and was told that he was still on the waiting list. Nothing came of that list for Grade 3, however hubby and I were often involved in full conference case meetings at the school. Outside of the school was no better. For example, in skating, I was told at the year end carnival that the routine was basically created around my boys so that if they did what was expected that would be great, but if they didn't, they would not ruin the whole routine. Yeah, it was just expected that they would not do as asked.

The negative behaviours at home started to get worse and worse. He was just SO angry. He'd yell and carry on, and was just generally defiant in a way I can not describe. I remember one night paging hubby, just to have a voice of reason. I just kept saying, over and over, "There is something wrong with this kid - normal kids do not act like this..." It got to the point that summer that I would hire a babysitter for the nights the A-man had baseball, because I just would NOT take S to a game. He couldn't be trusted to behave, and if he did stay where he was supposed to be, he would talk rudely to me, be defiant, or try and start fights with the other kids in the area - and of course, I would be embarrassed around the other mothers... God, how silly that sounds now.

I will leave at this point. Apparently my presence is required in the hot tub - all of us, even! That hasn't happened in a very long time! So, next post, Grades 4 through 6...be prepared...it wasn't good.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

More on Son 1

My last post really upset me. More than I would have imagined. I know I lived through it, I know that I didn't really enjoy those times with my kids, but looking back on it, and trying to simply state what I remember, it hurt. I think the things that hurt me the most now are the negative comments and critisisms I would receive - and then hold on to, take to heart...that sort of thing.

I remember being pregnant with the A-man and just sitting and having a total crying fit one day because I was so nervous about becoming a mom, and I just wanted to be the BEST mom for my unborn child, and I didn't know if I would be able to do it. And then I am given this beautiful boy, and I want to do SO well - for him - and to hear people that my baby is this, that and the other - well, if you are a parent, I would think you would understand...

Anyway, more on the A-man's history. While he was experiencing these difficulties at school, we were also facing difficulties on the homefront. He would refuse to do homework, he wouldn't cooperate with coaches, he would have total melt downs (in public) when things didn't go his way. So, whenever the school would suggest a parenting course, or strategy, I was very quick to try it. Anything that would help me learn to become a better parent - because children will do well if they can, right, and if they have a well-structed homelife, well, obviously they will be better structured children, right?

I had charts, stickers, incentive programs, reward systems - everything. I would read any book that seemed to fall within my belief system, that may offer tips and suggestions on what we could do to become better parents, thereby begin to raise a better child.

Grades Three to Five pretty much brought about the same behaviours/reactions at school as the early years had done. At the suggestion of the school principal and school councillor we started the A-man in to a number of courses through a family agency. Anger management, working together type courses with other kids, behaviour management courses. I became the parent that would drive to the city (about half an hour away) twice a week to either attend parenting courses, or to have my children attend similar type things. Some strategies would work - for a while - and then things would revert. Well, obviously I wasn't being consistent with the punishment/rewards system, I was told. And the self doubt continued to grow.

The end of Grade 5 remains significant to me, however. Somewhere around February of that school year, the A-man's teacher suddenly went to teaching half time - on Mondays and Wednesdays - and another teacher was brought in for the other days. Mr. S was great, and, interestingly enough, the first male teacher the A-man had ever had. Oh, he did still face many behaviour issues with my guy, but I will never forget the last day of school. I always come in to school on the last day to pick the boys up, to say good-bye to the teachers, etc. That year the A-man wanted to give his teacher different types of gourmet beers as an end of year gift. I went out and bought a few cans, and brought the gift in to the school. The A-man gave the gift to his teacher, and then went off to do whatever a boy in Grade 5 does on the last day of school. The teacher came over to me to thank me for the gift, and to congratulate me on such a great kid! I was stunned. I think I even clarified that the teacher knew which child was mine. He told me that, yes, he knew who my son was, and although he did have some issues with the A-man, he said he recognized that he was a great kid, with an amazing wit and intelligence, and he thought that we were obviously doing a great job with raising our son. Never, in seven years of school, had any teacher ever had anything positive to say about him. Although I have never seen that teacher again, he will forever remain a hero in my heart.

Grade 6 was fine. He had a teacher that was able to embrace the uniqueness that is the A-man. She saw his intelligence, she recognized his enhanced and highly mature sense of humour. His school grades stayed within the norm for him, and although he would have issues in the school yard, and on the school bus, the actual year with the teacher was great.

Grade 7. What a freaking nightmare that year was. It just went from bad to worse. Started out having 2 different teachers - one on A days, and one of B days. So, if the B day teacher had a problem with him on a Thursday, she would phone and leave a message at the end of the day on a Thursday night, but I wasn't able to actually speak to her again until Tuesday - when she was back in the school. It was one of the worst teaching situations I had ever encountered. We had a new principal that year, too. I phoned her and told her that I was greatly annoyed with the lack of structure within the classroom - especially in such a pinnacle year. She was able to have the situation adjusted by the end of the first term, and the class received a brand-spanking-new-fresh-right-out-of-school teacher. Yeah, that wasn't the best type of teacher to bring in to the classroom that had consistently - since the school opened and they were in grade 2 - drove teachers over the edge. This class is 80% male, all very active, and just a bit of a crazy group.
Suddenly the A-man's teacher is phoning me on a regular basis to complain about him. "He is doing this, he does that... He is rude..." Oh eah, it was great. Finally, sometime around April, she phoned to tell me that she didn't think he would be able to go on the end of year trip if either hubby or I didn't go. We decided (for a number of reasons) that he simply wasn't showing an interest in improving matters, and thereby would not go on the trip. Then, suddenly, he had a stellar month. No problems on the bus, in the school yard, or in the classroom. I phoned the principal and asked that she revisit the ruling about a parent having to attend the 3 day trip, and she over-rode the classroom teacher and said he could go.

One day at work, I get a phone call from the teacher. I was at work, and didn't want others in the office to hear me, so I asked her to call me back on my cell in about 5 minutes. She did so. As she was going on, and on, AND ON, about the trials and tribulations about the A-man, I finally asked her, point blank, "So, what do you suggest I do?" She stopped short, and said "Mrs. Mom, I don't understand why you are getting so defensive." I told her that I wasn't getting defensive, and I apologized if she thought I was, but I let her know that if she is going to phone me - as a professional - and tell me a barage of things about my son (that I already knew, accepted, and lived with for years) - I figured she was phoning with either some suggestions of how to improve the situtation, or with a suggestion as to what sort of course, or testing, or SOMETHING we could do/take him to, to help improve things. That was not the case. She was, basically, just calling to complain.

I told her that I was very much aware of what the A-man was like, and if she was simply calling to tell me things I already knew, I didn't really need to be interupted at work. But if she was calling with suggestions or solutions, I would be more than happy to embrace any suggestions made. She left it with me that she would talk to the principal about options, and would call me back. I never heard from her again. Never.

Now, during this time, the A-man started to exhibit some new concerning problems. I took him to the doctors, just to rule out medical issues. The doctor suggested we screen him for ADHD by sending a report in for the teacher to complete. I told our (new) doctor that the A-man had seen a pediatrician when he was in Grade 1 and that had been ruled out. He felt it was something to consider, so I took the form in to the school. The teacher amazed me with the way she filled out the form. All the stuff she called to complain about, she indicated on the form that he did not exhibit these behaviours. I told her, point blank, that I was surprised about her summary of the A-man, and she said "I don't believe he has ADHD, I believe he just has behavioural problems" Ummm...WHAT?!?!?!

Anyway, after seeing the A-man, and reviewing the information we provided, plus considering the new head-shake thing he was doing, our doctor decided to refer us to a pediatrician because he thought other medical things should be considered. We go in to the see the specialist, he reviews some things, asks a bunch of questions, and then tells me that he thinks the A-man is exhibiting symptoms of Tourette Sydrome (TS), and he wants him to go to Toronto Western's clinic for follow up tests. I suddenly had to become very knowledable on a disorder.

I informed the teachers at school of this recent development, and provided them with all sorts of literature about TS, and to simply let them be aware for when the end of year trip began. His classroom teacher sat and rolled her eyes as I summed up what they were looking for, but the other 2 teachers listened, heard me, even asked questions.

The end of year trip went well for the A-man. He had no problems, he got along with everyone, and he was not in any trouble at all for the 3 days. The rest of the year went along somewhat status quo. We got the report cards on the very last day of school, and I discover he has 3 - yes, three - failing grades on his report card. I had not been advised of this - and I know I should have been. Apparently he had failed to hand in major assignments, but I had not been advised of this, either. He did the assignments - every single one. He just didn't turn them in. But had she phoned to let me know they weren't turned in, I would have made sure he did so. I was PISSED off. At him, for sure, but also the both the principal and the teacher for dropping this on me without having any way of having recourse or a chance for disscussion.

After a barage of testing over the summer - I'm talking TONS of testing - it was determined that the A-man does have Tourettes, plus ADHD and Rage. He began taking Concerta for the ADHD, but the neurologist didn't feel the Rage was severe enough to justify the negative side effects, and set us up on a new parenting strategy - one that would empower both us, and the A-man.

Grade 8 saw a whole other kid. Sure, he suddenly developed a stutter, and would shake his head around, and make weird throat noise things, but he was suddenly calm, well behaved, polite. Just amazing. His teacher - at the end of the school year - told me she loved having him in the class, and she would take a classroom of the A-man anyday. It was great. He was very excited to graduate from grade 8, and I was so happy that he finally had a good year in that school. And now, he is about to begin highschool.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Son Number 1 - a history

Up until he was about 3, the A-man was an angel child. I would tell him it was nap time, he would come and give me a hug, grab his blanket and soother, and toddle off to bed. I would say "no no" and he would stop doing whatever he was in to.

Even when his younger brother was born, A-man didn't have a problem with sharing Mommy. He would help with the diaper changes, was happy to have a bath with baby S...it was great. He was even a dream to potty train. 2 days, and done. Never an accident, never a harsh word. I'm telling you... a dream child.

Then he turned 3, and my life started to become a living hell. He just became this openly defiant little devil. Looking back, I suppose it all started to come out around the same time I was being treated for post-partum, but I think that was just an unlucky coincidence.

When he was two months past his 4th birthday, we called in someone to assess our guy, and just to make some suggestions about how to proceed. At that time, he was 50 months old, and was functioning at a 60-65 month age level. The suggestion - he's very intelligent, and he is probably acting out because he is bored. She made the recomendation that we put him in structured daycare for a few days each week, and also called in a behaviour specialist to provide some 'training' for hubby and I. Yeah, that was fun.

Daycare was a nightmare. I swear the lady at the daycare thought A-man was the devil reincarnate. He would refuse to eat the meals provided saying it was garbage. He would fight with the other kids. He would refuse to share toys he deemed 'his'. The behavioural consultant told us that he was simiply expressing his dislike of the food prepared, and make suggestions about how to encourage more open play with his peers.

When he started school in September, I started to think I was going to become the VP's new best friend. I got a lot of phone calls. There was nothing wrong with his academics - quite the opposite - he was able to do the required work much faster than the other kids, and that was when he would start getting in to trouble. This continued into SK. We moved at the end of SK and he started Grade 1 at a new school. A very SMALL school...where my mother in law had been a teacher for 36 years. She is a wonderful lady, and I think they thought her grandchild would be like the second coming, or something. Yeah, that was quickly decided to NOT be the case.

He didn't get along with many of the kids in his class of 20. Now, at that time, I thought it may be part his problem and part the problem of the other kids having known each other for 2 years already, and not really knowing how this new kid was going to fit in. Add in the fact that he was smart, and quick to finish his work, and well, you have trouble. The teacher didn't seem to agree with me - thought there were other children in the class that were smarter, and she and the principal both felt that A-man's negative behaviour was LEARNED behaviour, thereby nothing they could do at the school would help. Yeah. This was coming from 2 women that have never had children. Needless to say, I started to feel that I was a failure as a parent, and started to question every parenting strategy I had. Oh, btw - I had enrolled myself in a parenting course when he was three and S was 1 - just because we started to have problems, and figured I must not be doing something 'right'.

We limped through Grade 1. His report card was mostly A's, with high B's in everything else. His 'conflict resolution' and 'gets along with others'., etc - they were all "Needs improvement" But, that school didn't care because the borders for the school district had changed and for Grade 2 he was moving to a brand new school.

Grade 2. A-man had a simply amazing teacher. I LOVED Mrs. R with all my heart and soul. At this point I had left the work force, and was staying home full time. S was just in SK now, and I loved being able to spend time with him on alternate days, and I volunteered at the school on the days they were both at school. The principal would have to phone me on occassion for behaviour problems, but since I was a fixture at the school, I was often just able to oversee things right on sight.

Interesting note: one day a parent that did yard duty came in to the kitchen area where I was assisting two other moms with the preparing of that day's hot lunches. There was myself, the yard supervisor, the 3 other 'hot lunch' ladies and one other Mom there. Well, the yard supervior was going on and and on about this rotten kid she had dealt with during recess. I'm talking "Oh my God, I feel really bad for A-man (lastname)'s mom. That kid is a bloody terror." The other women in the room's faces dropped, and no one knew what to say. Suddenly the president of the parent council said "Oh, Patty, by the way, I don't think you have met Jori before. This is Jori (lastname)." The yard supervior said "Get the F#$$ out of here - you are just saying that is her last name to freak me out." I smiled, and told her that yes, I was in fact the A-man's mom. And you know what she had the nerve to do? No, she didn't get embarrassed for what she had just said about my son - she just looked at me and said, "Man, I feel sorry for you. That kid is crazy." As I look back, and think about it now, what upsets me the most is that this was NOT the first time I had heard this from another Mother. Why do people feel that they can say such terrible, horrible things about a child - TO THE CHILD'S MOTHER!! - and not be embarrased? I would be mortified if I said something very cruel about a child and then realized I was talking to the Mom. Would you tell a new parent their baby was ugly? Not likely!!! But, it seemed to be okay to tell me that I had the spawn of satan, and I wasn't to get upset about it. And the stupid thing was - I didn't. I would acknowledge that he was difficult, and then internalize all the negative, and blame myself for his behavioural issues.

Wow. This is harder than I thought it would be. My heart is sore right now from having to relive this. And I'm only on Grade 2. Will continue later.

Keeping track of school crap

After I posted last night, I decided that I didn't want my blog page to just be random thoughts. If I'm going to take the time to do this, I should have a purpose, right? (yeah, there goes the virgo in me - must have a purpose for all that we do...)

So, that said, I have decided to make this a diary of my son's lives at school. Given the amount of bullshit poor wee S has had to go through in the past number of years, I'm sure just bringing you fine reader up to speed would take a while!

School starts for them in just over a week, so that should give me a bit of time to bring you up to speed on what sorts of issues and concerns they have, and to allow me a wee bit of time to let random ideas and thoughts to just pop in here every now and then.

Off for work now. Had to clean up the deck first thing this morning - god-damned racoons felt the need to tip everything over. Broke a ceramic planter on me - dumped my herb garden...filthy little buggers.

So, that is all for now. Be prepared for the next post - I will start to fill you in on details of their school lives so far!

So, this is cool - I have a blog!

I just noticed tonight that my friend Bear has a blog. Never been to it before, but tonight I checked it out. And decided I, too, needed to blog. Does anybody READ a blog? I mean, really? I know lots of people WRITE them, but does anyone really take the time necessary to read another person's blog? I'm no one special - does anyone out there really care about what I have to say?

I read Bear's blog. Every single post. Some of them made me sad. Well, her most recent one didn't - it was very positive and upbeat. The ones she wrote in the winter - they made me feel very bad for my friend. I think it's great that she is on the mend. Mental health issues truly bite the big one.

My youngest son (S) has mental health issues. It pisses me off when I hear people make negative comments about those suffering in silence. He's only a little kid! He didn't ask to have these problems, nor did he do anything WRONG. (Dumb asses.)

And, no, we aren't bad parents - we haven't "done something wrong" to "make" him turn out this way. Whatever. It's a very real, very painful disorder - just one that can't be seen to the naked eye. Mental health issues are just as real as MS, or lukeimia, or cancer. Are you going to fault the parent, or the person suffering, because they have cancer?? You'd be one sick puppy if you did. But, S has a great doctor, and he will likely be going for an fMRI in the next little while. This is an actual, factual brain scan. It will tell us (and the school personelle) what is really happening with his strangely-wired brain.

Okay - don't know where that all came from. Oh, right, Bear's blog. Anyway, I'm going to see Bear this weekend. I'm looking forward to it. She and I have known each other for more than 25 years, and we were always close. Then, about 2 years ago, I think she broke up with me, but just didn't tell me. Now I know what was going on with her at the time, and I understand (truly, I do) but I was so sad at the time to realize I'd been dumped, and I had no clue what I had done wrong! But, we are back on again! (Isn't it great when people get back together??) So, this Saturday should be a lot of fun.

I had a 'girl's weekend' at the cottage last weekend. There were 6 of us in total, and it was way more fun than I thought it would have been. You know how it can be when you introduce 3 sets of friends - most of whom have never met before? Yeah - I was the only common denominator in that mix. But, it worked out well, and I think it will become an annual event.

The bitchy-boss'-ex is still in the office. God she drives me nuts. Loved the comment today, "Did your boss buy you lunch AGAIN today? It's so nice that he buys you lunch. I don't know why you even bother to BRING a lunch." Yeah, cuz I'm after your hairy Italian BeeYotch!! She's a goon, and I can not wait for her to get her fake-blond ass out of that office. It was supposed to happen over a year ago, so I am NOT holding my breath.

So, that is my first blog. Interesting. Sort of random thoughts, just set down for people to read. Interesting.