Son Number 1 - a history

Up until he was about 3, the A-man was an angel child. I would tell him it was nap time, he would come and give me a hug, grab his blanket and soother, and toddle off to bed. I would say "no no" and he would stop doing whatever he was in to.

Even when his younger brother was born, A-man didn't have a problem with sharing Mommy. He would help with the diaper changes, was happy to have a bath with baby S...it was great. He was even a dream to potty train. 2 days, and done. Never an accident, never a harsh word. I'm telling you... a dream child.

Then he turned 3, and my life started to become a living hell. He just became this openly defiant little devil. Looking back, I suppose it all started to come out around the same time I was being treated for post-partum, but I think that was just an unlucky coincidence.

When he was two months past his 4th birthday, we called in someone to assess our guy, and just to make some suggestions about how to proceed. At that time, he was 50 months old, and was functioning at a 60-65 month age level. The suggestion - he's very intelligent, and he is probably acting out because he is bored. She made the recomendation that we put him in structured daycare for a few days each week, and also called in a behaviour specialist to provide some 'training' for hubby and I. Yeah, that was fun.

Daycare was a nightmare. I swear the lady at the daycare thought A-man was the devil reincarnate. He would refuse to eat the meals provided saying it was garbage. He would fight with the other kids. He would refuse to share toys he deemed 'his'. The behavioural consultant told us that he was simiply expressing his dislike of the food prepared, and make suggestions about how to encourage more open play with his peers.

When he started school in September, I started to think I was going to become the VP's new best friend. I got a lot of phone calls. There was nothing wrong with his academics - quite the opposite - he was able to do the required work much faster than the other kids, and that was when he would start getting in to trouble. This continued into SK. We moved at the end of SK and he started Grade 1 at a new school. A very SMALL school...where my mother in law had been a teacher for 36 years. She is a wonderful lady, and I think they thought her grandchild would be like the second coming, or something. Yeah, that was quickly decided to NOT be the case.

He didn't get along with many of the kids in his class of 20. Now, at that time, I thought it may be part his problem and part the problem of the other kids having known each other for 2 years already, and not really knowing how this new kid was going to fit in. Add in the fact that he was smart, and quick to finish his work, and well, you have trouble. The teacher didn't seem to agree with me - thought there were other children in the class that were smarter, and she and the principal both felt that A-man's negative behaviour was LEARNED behaviour, thereby nothing they could do at the school would help. Yeah. This was coming from 2 women that have never had children. Needless to say, I started to feel that I was a failure as a parent, and started to question every parenting strategy I had. Oh, btw - I had enrolled myself in a parenting course when he was three and S was 1 - just because we started to have problems, and figured I must not be doing something 'right'.

We limped through Grade 1. His report card was mostly A's, with high B's in everything else. His 'conflict resolution' and 'gets along with others'., etc - they were all "Needs improvement" But, that school didn't care because the borders for the school district had changed and for Grade 2 he was moving to a brand new school.

Grade 2. A-man had a simply amazing teacher. I LOVED Mrs. R with all my heart and soul. At this point I had left the work force, and was staying home full time. S was just in SK now, and I loved being able to spend time with him on alternate days, and I volunteered at the school on the days they were both at school. The principal would have to phone me on occassion for behaviour problems, but since I was a fixture at the school, I was often just able to oversee things right on sight.

Interesting note: one day a parent that did yard duty came in to the kitchen area where I was assisting two other moms with the preparing of that day's hot lunches. There was myself, the yard supervisor, the 3 other 'hot lunch' ladies and one other Mom there. Well, the yard supervior was going on and and on about this rotten kid she had dealt with during recess. I'm talking "Oh my God, I feel really bad for A-man (lastname)'s mom. That kid is a bloody terror." The other women in the room's faces dropped, and no one knew what to say. Suddenly the president of the parent council said "Oh, Patty, by the way, I don't think you have met Jori before. This is Jori (lastname)." The yard supervior said "Get the F#$$ out of here - you are just saying that is her last name to freak me out." I smiled, and told her that yes, I was in fact the A-man's mom. And you know what she had the nerve to do? No, she didn't get embarrassed for what she had just said about my son - she just looked at me and said, "Man, I feel sorry for you. That kid is crazy." As I look back, and think about it now, what upsets me the most is that this was NOT the first time I had heard this from another Mother. Why do people feel that they can say such terrible, horrible things about a child - TO THE CHILD'S MOTHER!! - and not be embarrased? I would be mortified if I said something very cruel about a child and then realized I was talking to the Mom. Would you tell a new parent their baby was ugly? Not likely!!! But, it seemed to be okay to tell me that I had the spawn of satan, and I wasn't to get upset about it. And the stupid thing was - I didn't. I would acknowledge that he was difficult, and then internalize all the negative, and blame myself for his behavioural issues.

Wow. This is harder than I thought it would be. My heart is sore right now from having to relive this. And I'm only on Grade 2. Will continue later.